someone get that fucking seahorse.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
