I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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