i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
