it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
