I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
