Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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