its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
