I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
