Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
