I am midnight drunk by noon
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
