Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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