I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
