Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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