she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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