Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
