meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
