I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
