The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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