i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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