i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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