I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Randomize