For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
