Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
