have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
