Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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