And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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