You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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