If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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