I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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