I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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