He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
