I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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