i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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