he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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