Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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