I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
