I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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