I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
