I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
