I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I will pee on everything he values.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
