I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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