I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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