im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
