I smell stomach acid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have âdaddy issuesâ. Fuck all of you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize