I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Congratulations! We have a period
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
