Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
