You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize