I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
