So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
