Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
