I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
