Where are you?
In a non slutty way
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
