I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
