Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
