This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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