You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
