Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
