I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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