if you like me you must not know who I am
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize