Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize