too bad you live with your parents still
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
