So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
