I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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