I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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