After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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