I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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